Finding Our Humanity
by wanheda08
Summary: Abby Griffin wanted nothing to do with Marcus Kane after Primfaya...until she did. As she and Marcus begin to work through their issues, their world is turned upside down once again. *Follows storyline until season 5. This is how I wanted the bunker to work out for them.
1. Apologies

Chapter 1: Apologies

For the first year that we had been locked in the bunker under what was left of Polis, I couldn't stomach the sight of Marcus Kane. The man that I loved, who had gone against my final wishes and saved me in the 100 chosen from Skaikru to survive Primfaya. When I woke up from the gas induced sleep that Kane and Jaha had put us in, they had to sedate me once again in order to protect both men from my wrath.

That was three years ago. Even now, when I see him in the mess hall or he stops by to talk with Jackson in medical, I have to make myself scarce. A large part of me still wanted to hate him, but after four years underground, my resolve had started to crumble. I missed my best friend and partner through everything that life on the Ark and Earth has thrown at us. It was Marcus who kept hope for peace with the Grounders when we first crashed on Earth. It was Marcus who made friends with Lexa in order to prevent war between the Sky People and the Grounders. It was Marcus who had saved my daughter, Clarke, countless times. It was also Marcus who had allowed himself to be chipped during the terror reign of A.L.I.E One in order to prevent my execution. Everything the man did was for the good of his people, not for himself.

And yet, he had saved me for himself. He had saved me because it hurt too badly for him to entertain the thought of losing me. I knew that he still loved me. Despite the horrible things that I said to him the night Primfaya hit Polis after I awakened, he still loved me, and deep down, I still love him.

" _You selfish bastard! How could you?!" I screamed at him. "Our people...your people. You knew what my wish was, yet you still saved me. My daughter is gone! What do I have to live for?"_

 _"Me. You have me, Abby. I am still here. I love you. I couldn't sign your death warrant." he pleaded. "Please understand."_

 _"But you could for the others?" I spat back at him. "It's just like the culling, Marcus. You never gave us a chance to wait for the kids. For word from the ground. Instead, you forced my hand and 300 people volunteered to die...FOR NOTHING!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs now. "WE KILLED THEM AND THE ARK STILL FAILED. AND WHAT ABOUT DOWN HERE? THE SAME THING WILL HAPPEN IF WE CAN'T DIG OUR WAY OUT!"_

Tears were sliding down my face, gathering on my desk like melted wax at the memory. I had continued berating him for ten minutes before Octavia came in and calmed me. She had taken me in her arms, whispered Trikru prayers in my ear, and listened as I mourned for a daughter that was no more.

"Abby, are you okay?" The voice coming from the door behind me was deep but cautious, drawing me from my memories. Marcus had kept his distance for as long as he could, I guess. The look on his face seemed as though I was stabbing him in the heart. I knew he hated to see me cry. "Please, Abby, I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine, Marcus. Remembering things that I would rather forget." I spat at the man. I hated to be so heartless, but I couldn't let him back in. Not like before. Not yet. My heart just couldn't take anymore broken pieces.

"Well, I'm here if you want to talk or just have someone to listen. I haven't gone anywhere. I never will." Marcus replied softly. I could tell he had no fight left in him. It had circled around the bunker that he had been in Command all day arguing with Octavia, Indra, and the rest of the delegates about how to dig our way out. Both the leaders of Wonkru were not forgiving women. They were both of the mind that it was past time to start the process. Marcus, on the other hand, believed that we put ourselves at risk for collapse unless we could shore up the debris directly above us.

"Not like I could forget you haven't gone anywhere." I retorted, the sarcasm thick in my voice and I knew it. I saw him wince at the sting of my words and immediately regretted them. I quickly added, "But thank you, Marcus. Truly. I know the choices you had to make weren't easy, and I know I haven't been the easiest on you. For that, I am sorry. If you hadn't saved me, these people would have been without a doctor."

Marcus replied aloud. "I knew how angry you would be with my decision, but I had to do it. For our people. For our clan." He paused for a split second as if there was more he wanted to say, but instead just shrugged his shoulders.

Wiping the remnants of my sorrow from my face, I stood and turned toward the man. "We are Wonkru now, Marcus. 1,200 strong. We will survive as we have always done."

I needed to get back to work, to get him out of my head. As I walked toward my office door, I passed the man that had once shared my bed. His scent smelled like home, but now it seemed home was farther away than ever making me wonder if we would ever make it back.

"I have work to do. Maybe we can talk later." I murmured as I continued passed him, leaving him to wonder if I really meant later. I thought heard him mumbled something, but I was already out of earshot.


	2. Making Amends

Chapter 2: Making Amends

Later had finally come. I was finished in medical for the night and had nowhere else to go. I felt claustrophobic in my office and lonelier than ever in my bunk. While we had not shared a bed since locking ourselves in the bunker, today's conversation had awoken the feelings of almost four years passed; feelings that I had worked so hard to keep at bay. But this left me alone, vulnerable, and longing for human contact from the one person who was balm to my wounds.

Wandering around the bunker, I passed so many of my friends, old and new. They smiled or waved greetings. Out of automated reaction, I smiled or waved in return but my eyes were vacant, my soul full of the longing for which I had had yet to find fulfillment.

After 25 minutes of walking, I found myself at Marcus' door. My heart seemed to have overridden my head, guiding my feet to the place where I truly longed to be. Before I could plead fear and allow my better judgement to take control, I knocked on the door in front of me, praying that Marcus was still willing to speak to me.

As the door began to open, my heart began to race. There he was, clad in a grey button down and well worn jeans that hung low on his hips. He was thinner than I remembered, but then again I had barely looked at him in over a year. His face almost unreadable, almost. The faintest hint of a surprised smirk crossed his lips. His eyes brightened at the sight of me in his doorway.

"So there really was a later?" he asked, no trace of malice or anger in his voice. Truth be told, I'm sure he truly had questioned if I really meant later.

Looking down at my feet because I wasn't yet able to look him in the eye, I replied, "Yeah. I guess so." I didn't know what else to say. I was still stunned that he'd even opened the door for me. So much had passed between us, and I couldn't help but question if things would ever be the same.

As if reading my mind, Marcus gestured for me to come in. Softly shutting the door behind us, Marcus grabbed a stockpiled bottle of 180 year old scotch and a couple of glasses before following me into the space he used as a living room. Taking a seat across from me, he began pouring two healthy doses of scotch.

"So..." Marcus murmured as he passed me the scotch. "Are we talking or are we drinking?"

After downing the entire drink and passing it back to Marcus for another, I replied "Give me a minute. The liquor helps."


	3. Lost in Time

Chapter 3: Lost in Time

With two-thirds of the scotch gone, having consumed most of it by myself, I had Marcus in stitches as I regaled him with stories of all the times I'd purposefully made him angry during our life on the Ark. I had admitted to much of the annoyance because I found the bulging vein in his forehead hilarious.

"So many times I would argue with you just to see you go red in the face." I gasped with laughter, a genuine smile plastered across my face. I didn't know if it was the scotch, the fact that I was finally able to let my guard down with Marcus again, or a little of both, but at this moment, I really didn't care. "I honestly thought your head was going to explode when Thelonius told you that he wasn't going to go through with my execution the second time. I couldn't help but feel just a little bit sorry for you though, despite my delayed doom."

I could see a change in Marcus. His reactions to my stories had been genuine. The laughter and smiles were things I had truly missed in our time in the bunker. Neither had been easy to come by on the Ark or before Primfaya, but they were even more difficult to find now.

As the blue-black hours between midnight and morning wore on, I knew that dawn was quickly approaching and with it our inevitable return to reality, but I didn't care. Right now our little bubble was all that mattered to me. We were hidden away from the harsh reality of the light of day and the inevitable truth of our situation.

As I leaned forward to pour myself another drink, Marcus did the same and our hands brushed for a split second. Our eyes locked, and the contact was immediately broken. We had not touched since the night of Primfaya when I slapped him. So much had changed, and yet so much remained the same. I again wondered if we would ever be able to work through it all.

And yet, I still had hope. Marcus was alive. We were here together. We had once again survived the impossible. So I held onto the hope that we would find our way to each other once again.

"Here." Marcus said, tilting the bottle towards my glass before pouring himself another dose. "So... you liked annoying me. That's the reason that you made my life hell on the Ark? Why am I not surprised?"

I raised my eyebrows at that last part of his statement. Marcus knew me all too well. A fact that still frightened me. My late husband had not known me nearly as well as Marcus, and I had been married to Jake for twenty years before his execution for treason. As much as it pained me to admit, Marcus made me a better person, despite our arguing. He made me strive to do the things that most wouldn't because the personal sacrifice was far too great.

I took a another sip from my glass, contemplating how to form my emotions into words. The alcohol was doing nothing to help with my ability to form a coherent sentence. "I think I wanted you to see that I wasn't always wrong and you weren't always right. I wanted to find peace but I wasn't sure where that peace started."

I guess it was my turn to surprise Marcus because his eyebrows scrunched in thought. Maybe it had never occurred to him that I wanted to find common ground. I had to admit that I did, at times, seem too stubborn to listen to anyone else's ideas save my own. But as I watched him think, I knew that he was exactly the same, never wanting to bend, especially when it came to the welfare of his people.

"If I ask you something, do you promise to be completely honest with me?" His eyes were dark, and I could see the fear written across his face. Whatever he wanted to ask me would have no easy answer.

I swallowed nervously, attempting to prepare myself for what was about to come out his mouth. "I'll do my best." I replied.

He nodded his head, took a deep breath, and asked, "Do you regret opening the door? Jaha told me how you and Bellamy went against everyone, even Clarke, when you opened it to save me and Octavia. If you hadn't done that, Clarke would still be here with you."

I was so taken aback by his words that I barely registered my thoughts before they started falling out of my mouth. "If I hadn't opened that door, you would be dead. If I hadn't opened that door, I would only be half a person. If I hadn't opened that door, I would have long since been consumed again by the agony I felt when Jake was floated. Only this time, I would have been able to prevent the man I love from dying but instead did nothing. So no Marcus, I don't regret opening the door. Not for a second." Pausing only to draw in a breath before saying words that I knew would hurt him all over again, "But I'm sure you regret saving me over and over again, so it's pretty easy for you to think that I would as well."

I sat there, fuming at his ludicrous assumption that I could ever regret saving him. But the more I fumed, the more I realized how he could assume such a thing and that made me feel like an ass. I had spent the last four years acting like Marcus Kane didn't exist unless absolutely necessary. That screamed regret. My actions had cried of my hatred for the man that I had saved which inevitably sentenced my daughter to death. The only thing that he could think is that I hated him and would gladly trade his life for Clarke's if I could.

The touch of Marcus' fingertips on my cheek brought me back to reality. He had moved from his seat across from me and was now sitting directly next to me. Somehow, I hadn't even noticed him move. There was something about the look in his eyes as he stared at me, lips slightly parted as if there was something he wanted to say but couldn't, that made my heart race. All I could do was sit there, in the silence, and wait. It felt like a lifetime had passed before he started to speak.

"When my mother died in the bombing on that last Unity Day on the Ark, I vowed that I would never allow myself to be that vulnerable again. That I would never love anyone that deeply again because the odds of losing them were far too great. I vowed to never go through that pain again. But then, we came to the ground and everything changed." Pausing for only a moment, he shifted, placing the hand that had been at my face on my thigh instead. Taking a deep breath, Marcus continued, "I changed. We changed. We were new to a world ravaged by the past, on the verge of war with a people we knew nothing about. I quickly learned that the ways of the Ark would no longer be enough to govern our people. A certain doctor taught me that lesson."

I smirked at his mention of me. Much of what I had done when we first came back to the ground was for my own benefit. I wanted nothing more than to see my daughter and know that she was in fact alive and well.

"The same doctor who reminded me that love isn't for the fearful. Love is for those brave enough to try again. Then Mount Weather happened. I still hear your screams in my nightmares. I can still feel the bite of the cuffs on my wrists as I fought to get to you. I felt so helpless, seeing you strapped on that table and being able to do nothing to save you." Tears were welling up in his eyes, and I had a feeling that the next few things he had to say were going to break my heart even more. "I realized I loved you that night. Standing there shackled to the wall, the echo of your screams surrounding me, I knew I loved you and prayed to trade places with you. I prayed for anything that could possibly take your pain away. I knew that if anything happened to you that I wouldn't survive it. Too much of my heart was already lost and losing you would have destroyed the final piece. And then to suffer through the same terror because of A.L.I.E. I allowed myself to be nailed to a cross instead of taking the chip, but to watch you, brainwashed, sink to your knees and have Jaha hold that gun to your head. It was more than I bear. I have done many things I will never forgive myself for, Abby Griffin, but saving you will never been one of them."


	4. No Turning Back

Chapter 4: No Turning Back

Tears were now pouring down my face at the impact of his words. He had never told me these things. The countless nights after Mount Weather, when I would come to his bed because his arms were the only place I could find refuge from the nightmares, he never said a word. And again when we had been freed from A.L.I.E., even after declaring our love for each other, he had remained silent, never hinting at the internal agony he had been through.

I tried several times to say something in reply, but each attempt died in my throat. I had no words to express the emotions that were cascading through every fiber of my body. I just stared at him, running my eyes over the planes of his face. The trail of newly fallen tears gave way to wrinkles I had never noticed before. A web of lines spread from the corners of his eyes. His once jet black hair was now more salt than pepper, especially at his temples. There was also a sadness in his eyes that hadn't been there before either. Or maybe it had, and I just hadn't paid him enough attention to notice.

As if receiving an answer to an unasked but obvious question, I felt the hand that Marcus had laying on my thigh begin to shift. I didn't want to lose the first real contact we had had in years, so I quickly grabbed his hand, intertwining my fingers with his. I held on for dear life because I couldn't lose him, not again. Shifting my weight without letting go of his hand, I summoned all the courage I could find and slipped a leg over his lap. I wrapped my free arm around his shoulders and pulled him into me. His forehead rest again my chest as his arms snaked around my back, tightening as if to prevent me from running away.

"I'm so sorry, Marcus." I mumbled into his hair, the only words that I could come up with because there was no way to put it all into words. "Please forgive me," quietly fell from my lips before I dissolved into tears, resting my head on top of his.

We sat for some time wrapped up in each other. No words, just reveling in each other's embrace. Finally, slipping his hands from my back to rest lightly on my ribs, Marcus lifted his head. I couldn't look him in the eye, for fear of seeing yet again the sadness that I had caused staring back at me. It was as if he read my mind because he tugged on my chin until I lowered my gaze to finally meet his eye. Then he uttered a phrase I never thought I would hear, "All is forgiven, Abby. Though there is nothing you could do that I wouldn't forgive."

A fresh sob ripped through my chest as Marcus' lips crashed into mine. There was a hunger behind his kiss that shook me to my core. It reminded me of our first kiss; a kiss that held so much promise and unspoken passion. I felt his hands wandering over my back and sides. I knew that he was taking inventory to make sure that I was all there. Before the bunker, it had become his habit everytime we kissed to ensure that I was still in one piece. Now everywhere his hands explored left a trail of fire in their wake, making it extremely difficult for me to keep my train of thought.

Pushing him back before we crossed a line, I settled back to sit on his knees. His lips were swollen from our kiss; his face flushed as well. We were both panting, trying to catch our breath and the right words to say. Marcus' hand still rested just below my rib cage. My own were tracing circles on his forearms. Somewhere in the midst of our kiss, my button down had gone missing, leaving me in a black tank top, which I had actually stolen from Marcus.

"I…" My voice cracked from emotion and the kiss that I had ended far too soon; I had to clear my throat several times before I could continue. "I need to say this before I lose my nerve. I'm sorry Marcus. For all of it. I didn't realize that I had cost you so much."

He took in a breath to speak, but I placed a hand gently over his mouth before he had the chance. "Let me finish. I didn't realize that I had cost you so much, but I am grateful that you sacrificed so much for me. I still remember your face when Cage ordered to have me strapped to that table; the pure agony that clutched at you. The sound of terror in your voice as you begged to go in my place. Those images still haunt my dreams, only now I don't find refuge in your arms like I did before."

I could tell he yet again wanted to say something, but I held up my hand. I needed to get it all out before the last effects of the alcohol wore off. "There is a part of my mind that remembers watching as Jaha had you nailed to that cross. I remember watching as you screamed and writhed in torment from each tortuous blow, and I did nothing. The hardest part is remembering how it felt to sink to my knees, feel Thelonius press that pistol to my head, all the while seeing the anguish settle on your face as you allowed yourself to be chipped. And you did it all just to save me. If you had been killed while you were chipped, fighting against Pike and the kids, I would have never forgiven myself. To this day, even the thought that I came so close to losing you breaks my heart. Knowing that time after time, you have rescued me at great cost to yourself without a second thought, how could I regret returning the favor?."

A soft smile crossed Marcus' lips for the first time since this part of our conversation began; it warmed my heart. Licking my lips, I moved to rise off of his lap, but strong hands wrapped around my waist to hold me in place. I looked down and saw a hunger in the deep brown eyes looking back at me. It was a look that Marcus hadn't given me in a very long time, and an instant flush crept across my cheeks. His grip on my waist tightened as he stretched his neck upward so his lips were inches from mine. Without a second thought, I lowered my lips to his, gently kissing him. Marcus snaked a hand up my back and softly gripped the back of my neck, pulling me back down to him. He wrapped his hand in the hair at the base of my skull and used it to tilt my head giving him access to my neck.

Kisses rained down my neck as I slowly began to unbutton his shirt. My hands shaking so badly that Marcus undid the rest of the buttons, stripped the shirt from his shoulders, and threw the offending garment across the room. I smile into his kiss as his mouth found mine once more. Running my hands up and down his abs, I couldn't help but wonder how I had gone so long without seeing the man beneath me naked.

As if he was having similar thoughts, Marcus whipped my tank top over my head, sending it across the room to land with his shirt. I was left in only my bra as Marcus gripped the back of my thighs, lifting me as he stood up from the couch. He made his way into his bedroom and gently laid me across his bed. I sat up, resting on my elbows, and watched as he began to undo his belt and slide out of his jeans.

"Quit biting your lip like that. You'll make it bleed." he commanded as he took two short strides to the end of the bed.

I hadn't even realized I was doing it. Standing between my thighs, Marcus slowly unbuttoned my jeans and slid them down my thighs. I lay there clad only in my underwear as he looked me up and down. Running his hands up my thighs, Marcus grasped my waist and pulled me closer to him. I quickly sat up, reaching around his neck to pull him down to me this time. Our lips collided in a sudden spark of passion as his hands snaked around my back to unclasp my bra. I raked my nails down his back, leaving red welts in their wake. This spurred Marcus to even greater passion, pouring more emotion into each earth shattering kiss.

Pulling back from our kiss just as I thought my lungs would explode, I watched as my bra fell to the floor. I looked up at the man looming over me, and I realized just how much I had missed this, how much I had missed him. I had missed his company. His understanding. His guidance. Most of all, I had missed his touch and the feeling of security it gave me.

His eye caught mine. I could see the sadness that had been there before had now been replaced with a spark that set me on fire. I watched him above me for another moment before I murmured, "Ai hod yu in, Marcus kom Wonkru.Yu laik ai tombom." I love you, Marcus from One People. You are my heart.

I had been working on my Trigedasleng quite a bit since moving into the bunker. I didn't exactly have a choice since only warriors were taught English and I had become the doctor for the entire clan. It had turned out to be advantageous in many other regards. The people had become more apt to talk with and listen to me in general when I spoke their native tongue instead of requiring someone to translate for me. Marcus didn't know of my studies so his eyebrows shot up in surprise hearing the words flow from my lips. There had been many times when he served as my translator before Primfaya.

He studied me for a few seconds before he whispered in kind, "Ai hod yu in, Abi kom Wonkru. Yu laik ai keryon. Ai will nowe bants yu. Nou taim ai gonplei ste odon." I love you, Abby from One People. You are my soul. I will never leave you. Not until my fight is over.

With tears in my eyes, I wrapped my arms around his waist. I was not longer waiting for him to make the first move. I pulled him down on top of me, settling him between my thighs as I brought my legs up to wrap around his waist and roughly kissed him again. We had both suffered alone for long enough. Now, it was time to let the healing start.


	5. Back to Reality

Chapter 5: Back to Reality

I had sworn to myself that I would never forgive him for deciding to let me live, and yet somehow, at four in the morning, I had done just that. I stared at the slumbering man beside me, still peacefully sleeping. I watched the slight rise and fall of his chest and brushed a feather light touch across his bare skin to remind myself that he was real and I wasn't dreaming.

A small grin touched his lips; I couldn't help but wonder what he was dreaming about. He dreamt peacefully while my mind raced. Racked with thoughts of our late, alcohol influenced conversation, my mind contemplated if Marcus would still feel the same in the harsh, artificial light of day. He had poured his heart out to me in the wee hours of the morning, telling me of his inner demons created by our captivity in Mount Weather and then our incapacitation by A.L.I.E. In return, I too allowed all the emotion I had been withholding to flow freely. The result was a reunion that left us both sated and exhausted, tangled in each others' embrace.

The sleeping man next to me grunted. He threw an arm over my hip and mumbled, "Stop thinking so loud. I can hear your thoughts from a mile away."

I snorted in response, "Well I have a pretty long to do list today and someone kept me up until four in the morning."

I grinned at him as he cracked one eye to look over at me. "Who kept who up? And I don't remember you calling my name in complaint last night." he countered with a devilish smirk, pulling me flush to his bare chest. He kissed me heartily, swiping his tongue across my bottom lip.

I parted my lips to give him entrance while throwing my leg over his hip while he ran his hands across my back, coming to rest on my thigh. A gentle hum came from his throat as he shifted his kiss to a well known spot just below my ear. I turned my head to give him better access when the sound of his alarm clock jerked us from our embrace.

Quickly rolling over, Marcus slammed his hand down on the offending box, drenching the room in silence once more. Laying on his back once more, I draped myself across his chest, listening to the slow, steady beating of his heart. I looked over at the now silent clock. It read 7:30am; I buried my face beneath my arm. I groaned aloud drawing a chuckle from my human pillow.

"What's wrong, Dr. Griffin? Getting too old for an all nighter?" Marcus inquired, still chuckling to himself.

I jabbed him in the ribs with my fingertips causing a groan of his own to escape his lips. "I am not too old for anything, Chancellor Kane. I just know the mountain of work I have to do today and only getting three hours of sleep isn't going to make it any easier."

Before he could respond, a loud knock came from the outer door. Marcus quickly slid out of bed, grabbed his boxers from the floor, and made his way to the door. He opened the door, using it to shield his lack of dress, to find Jackson.

"Kane, Octavia is requesting you in the delegation room immediately. From the sounds of it, Abby and I are going to have quite a few patients on our hands today if things don't simmer down." Jackson began.

Upon hearing my name, I rose from the bed, wrapped myself in the sheet, and walked out into the living room. Jackson's eyes almost popped out of his head as I entered the room. Managing to quickly revise his expression, a vast smile grew on my assistant's face.

Marcus, unaware that I was behind him, responded, "I'll be there as soon as I can. I have somethings I need to take care of before I can get there."

At that statement, Jackson erupted into laughter. "I would say so, man. This explains why I beat you to medical this morning, Sunshine." he said over Marcus' shoulder, directing his last statement to me.

Marcus whipped around, now aware of my presence in the room. His eyes grew wide when he realized that I was wrapped in the sheet. He went to speak but I beat him to the punch. "Haha, very funny, Eric. You've been pushing me to talk to Marcus for weeks now. I don't know why you're surprised that I finally took your advice."

"Well, you are pretty stubborn. It took you two years to admit that my filing system down here made more sense that what you were using so I wasn't sure how long it would take. Plus, I knew that you would do it when you were ready. I just didn't realize that giving you advice would lead to me seeing Kane in his underwear and you in a sheet." Jackson managed to get out before he dissolved into laughter again.

Marcus, finally free from his speechlessness, looked back and forth at us for a few seconds and then said, "I mean if you wanted to catch a peek, all you had to do was ask."

Jackson's laughter quickly died as Marcus and I fell into hysterics. He opened his mouth a couple times to speak, but nothing came out. When we were finally able to pull ourselves together, I walked a few steps forward and wrapped an arm around Marcus' waist.

"We are just taking things one day at a time. We have a lot to make up for, so if you could keep it quiet for now, we would greatly appreciate it." I told him, giving him a reassuring smile.

Smiling back at me, he reached a hand out and grabbed mine. He squeezed it tightly and responded, "I just want to see you happy, Abby. Four years is a long time to punish yourself for things out of your control. You and Marcus are the only family I have down here aside from Nathan. I'm glad that you two are working things out. I think that's what Clarke would have wanted. I'll see you in medical later."And with that, Jackson squeezed my hand once more, nodded his head in Marcus' direction, and walked towards medical.

Marcus quietly shut the door and followed me back into the bedroom. I sank down on the side of the bed, deciding whether or not I wanted to laugh once again at the thought of Jackson's face or cry at the mention of my daughter's name. Taking a seat beside me, Marcus wrapped his arms around my shoulders. He pulled me into his chest, softly rubbing my back. I felt something wet hit my shoulder so I looked over at the man beside me.

The man beside me, the one who had been my rock through so many tragedies, had tears streaming down his face. His bottom lip quivered as a silent sob wracked his body. It was now my turn to wrap him in my arms. Shifting myself, I sat on his lap with his head nestled in the crook of my neck, rocking back and forth as he cried. To hear his heart breaking, this man I loved more than life itself, was breaking my heart and soon my own face was soaked in tears.

When I had managed to wrangle my own emotions, I nudged Marcus with my shoulder. He lifted his head and looked at me, the sadness in his eyes from the night before had returned. I softly kissed his forehead before resting mine on the same spot, breathing his scent in deeply. I didn't know what had caused him to cry, but I knew that he would tell me when he was ready.

After about five minutes, Marcus took a deep breath and began to speak. "When Jackson spoke of Clarke, it hit me. It really hit me. She's gone. They are all gone. Bellamy, Monty, Jasper. They are just gone. The children that we sent down here to die; the children who saved us even though we served them with a death sentence." He was starting to cry again, but through his tears he managed, "I know I never told you this, but I loved Clarke as if she were my daughter. I know that I could never replace Jake, but she and I had an understanding after A.L.I.E. She loved you so much that she set her anger for me aside to give me her blessing to be with you and now I'll never have the chance to thank her."

His sobs overtook him again. All I could do was rub circles on his back as I felt his tears drip over my collarbone. I had no more tears to cry for Clarke. There would always be a hole in my heart, but I couldn't cry anymore. Hearing Jackson say her name and then Marcus, it reminded me that we still had to survive. And if my daughter taught me anything during her seventeen years, it was that we all survive better together.

We sat there for what felt like hours, me on Marcus' lap. He kept his arms wound tightly about my waist, anchoring me to his chest. When he had finally cried himself out, he looked up at me and gave me a sad smile. I returned his smile, kissing his forehead before getting up to get ready for work.

"There are some of your clothes in the bottom of my closet. I kept them for safe-keeping." Marcus told me as he sifted through his own clothes looking for a shirt. I must have given him a funny look because he continued, "They were in the things that Clarke brought from Arkadia. Most of that stuff was unpacked in here because she thought that you and I would be living together down here. I knew you probably needed the clothes, but I couldn't let go of the hope that one day you would be back here with me."

I couldn't help but smile at him, the man who not too many years ago didn't believe that hope was worth having. Now, the man before me held on to hope with everything he had. "I'm glad you kept them. And I'm glad that you held on to hope. I think that your hope is the reason that I even showed up on your doorstep last night."

I found an old pair of cargo pants in the bottom drawer of the closet and pulled them on. They had been my favorite pair when we were still on the Ark. More loose now than I remember, I tightened the belt and continued looking for a shirt. After another minute of sorting through the mix of clothes I hadn't seen in four years, my eyes fell on an old, worn, black long sleeve shirt. It had three buttons at the collar, the top one missing from years of use. I pulled the shirt from the pile and turned to sit on the bed. Running my fingers back and forth across the fabric, the memory came rushing back before I had a chance stop it.

" _I'm not going. Besides they need someone to show them the way out of the dark. Besides I…"_

 _Marcus' lips covered mine before I had a chance to finish my sentence. I could taste the remnants of the cup of coffee Harper had given him while they had all been hiding, waiting to make their escape. His right hand wandered up and down my back and sides, touching every part of me he could reach while his left anchored my head in place. I felt his tongue graze my lips and automatically opened them in response. My hands seemed to have a kind of their own. One ran through his hair, tangling my fingers in the curls at the nape of his neck. The other clung to his jacket for dear life. It was as if letting go meant that he would fade away and I would never get him back._

 _Sooner than I would have liked, Marcus pulled away from our charged embrace. He looked at me, eyes brimming with unshed tears. Behind those tears, I could see all his unspoken fears about what would happen from here. He gave me a soft smile and quietly murmured, "May we meet again."_

 _All I could do was return his smile and whisper "We will" before he stepped into the passageway, gave me one last fleeting smile, and turned to go, the burn of his kiss still lingering on my lips._

"Abby? Abby!" Marcus said, the worried edge behind his voice pulled me from the memory. "Abby, are you alright?"

He knelt before my seat on the bed and took my hands in his. I recognized the questioning look in his eye and laughed to myself. I was definitely the cause of much of the gray hair the man now sported. I smiled down at him, rubbing my thumb against the rough calluses on his palms. Instead of speaking, I decided to show him that I was quite alright.

I leaned down and captured his lips with mine. I released his hands and brought mine up to either side of his neck, holding him in place as I poured every ounce of emotion the memory had awakened into the kiss. I felt his hands run up my thighs and stop at the top of my pants as if he was waiting for me to tell him whether or not he could continue.

Pulling back, I continued to smile at Marcus as he stared up at me, a look of shock plastered across his face. "The last time I wore this shirt, I was helping you escape execution. You were going to Polis to talk with Ontari and warn her about Pike and A.L.I.E." I could see by the look on his face, Marcus didn't remember why this particular moment in time stood out to me. I continued, "Right before you went through the passage, I told you that I wasn't going because someone would need to show our people out of the darkness."

Marcus' eyes widened as he realized what happened next in my memory. He quickly stood and pulled me up to his chest, recapturing my lips with his before I could go any further. There was a tenderness behind his kiss that had been absent in our earlier kisses. It was like he had been trying to make up for lost time the night before. Now he just wanted to remind me of how much he loved me.

"That night was our first kiss." he gasped as we both came up from air. "I will never forget the sheer terror I felt leaving you in Arkadia, alone. I knew that I would blame myself for not making you come with me if anything had happened to you. And I was right. I left and Thelonious coerced you into taking the chip. Then all hell really did break lose."

Resting my hand on his cheek, I looked into his eyes and saw the same look I had seen that night so long ago staring back at me.

"Well, we both survived that disaster, didn't we?" I couldn't help but move my gaze from his face to his wrist. The scars from being nailed to the cross were slightly faded, but the very sight of them made me feel all the more guilty for putting him through the last four years of torture.

The man could read my mind like a book because he caught my chin, wrenching my gaze from his wrist to bring it back to his face as he began to speak. "Abby, you have to let go of the guilt. We have all done things that we wish we could take back but changing the past does nothing to help our future. Truth be told, the one act that I would take back would also mean that I wouldn't have you now."

I looked at him for a moment, unsure of what he meant. Then it dawned on me. The action he would take back was his role in Jake's execution. He was willing to give up the happiness we had found in order to do the right thing. This realization shook me to my core. The man who had willingly sacrificed three hundred and twenty of our people in the culling on the Ark and the man in front of me who was willing to sacrifice himself and his happiness in order to do the right thing could not have been farther from each other.

"I know that I can't take back what I did, but it doesn't mean that I don't regret it, Marcus. If I had gone with you, Arkadia might not have fallen and then A.L.I.E wouldn't have been able to overtake Polis as well. So many of the choices that I have made have caused our people harm." My shoulders slumped. Though they had been the best three hours of sleep I had gotten in about four years, the onslaught of memories and emotions already had me to the point of exhaustion before eight in the morning. I laid my head against Marcus' chest, listening to the steady beating beneath my ear. I gave into the need to escape the reality that was waiting for me in medical. Tears threatened to fall as I closed my eyes and allowed myself to melt into the arms wrapped around me, knowing that I couldn't escape the memories that would stay with me forever.


End file.
